There’s a seemingly never-ending supply of books about dating and relationships presenting the reader with what the author claims to be the exact way to land a man or to get that girl. Some of them present valid points and sound advice, but there are some very popular ones claiming that the object of our affections either isn’t aware of their true feelings, or they have some problem that keeps them from what they truly want. And it’s up to the reader to figure out how to manipulate them into a lasting, loving relationship.
Particularly worrisome are the tomes citing that men in their late thirties or forties have been single for so long, there “must be a reason”. My female clients who are 30-plus, frequently mention it at least once when we are working on their relationship issues. After all … if a man who is successful and has built up some kind of financial stability and isn’t married … he’s either selfish or unable to truly connect in love … right? Well, I, for one, don’t agree with this theory.
Rachel had been working on career issues with great success using EFT to clear away some painful and confusing emotions and patterns relating to such things as why she wasn’t further ahead with her job. As it turned out, she was truly happy with her choice of career, but lately the pain of not having found true love was tainting everything in her life.
She’s a bright woman in her late thirties, very attractive and has a very caring attitude and longs for the day when she can give all her love to a deserving man and their children. She thought she’d have found her love long before this, and was beginning to fear the worst. After her last breakup, she’d poured herself into her work.
Secretly she had felt and hoped that Bob would return to her when he was “ready”. She was sure he had truly loved her and wanted all the things they spoke about having together. Rachel told me that she had indeed found the man of her dreams, but Bob had been going through some difficult career issues and he was just as devastated as she when they “had” to break up. She was calm, but sad.
She referred to several books she’d read that Bob was just as wronged as she; his heart broken too. She added that these “poor men” have a lot of “stuck energy” and pain from their childhoods, making them unable to commit. Rachel – like so very many of my female clients looking for love, only wanted to help heal them.
As we balanced Rachel’s energy with EFT and cleared some of the outer layers of this most recent painful relationship and breakup, she began to see a pattern emerging and it was one she didn’t like at all.
Rachel found that while she had enjoyed a few loving relationships for the moment, she had always jumped the gun with her feelings telling herself this one or that really wanted to create a life with her, when his actions had always shown otherwise. We cleared such things as:
Even though I’m so sad that here I am in my late thirties and I have all these false ideas about relationships…
Even though I have always felt that women are more in touch with their emotions than men, therefore men don’t really understand what they are feeling…
Even though I bought into the wrong idea of what makes true love, and now I’ve lost a huge chunk of my life and reproductive years to hoping when there was no real relationship…
Clearly some of these issues are really painful and although Rachel had watched her career issues collapse quickly and easily, she was still surprised to find how easily and quickly some of this long-held and deep pain, as well as the underlying beliefs just melted away. In fact, Rachel found herself giggling or smirking and rolling her eyes. At one point she said “Oh for God’s sake, what on earth are we women thinking! Bob just wasn’t ready or right for me!”
Rachel finally came to see the truth that while we all have stuck energy, and yes, sometimes men who haven’t been able to commit have stuck energy around relationships and commitment, it just is not true that all men over a certain age are desperately seeking someone to heal their wounded hearts. Each person is an individual case, but often when a man hasn’t committed it is simply because they haven’t found their true love, yet. Rachel began to see the light and continued to clear such issues as:
- Until such time as actions are congruent with words of love and commitment, one simply can’t assume that the commitment is coming.
- One cannot assume that the commitment would be there if only the woman could help the man clear the painful blocks he has keeping them both so unhappy.
- Just because one party is completely engulfed in overwhelming feelings of love and commitment, doesn’t mean the other person is too.
- It is not a given that when one party is grief stricken and unable to heal from a painful breakup, the other party is also heartbroken and yearning to reunite to heal both their hearts.
Rachel concluded that while she had a high sense of self-worth and confidence, she had been hindered by a system of beliefs about men and their inability to communicate and engage in relationships. She did have some personal issues to clear and work on, but mostly she just needed to work on having healthy ideas about relating to men.
In Rachel’s words, no longer would she tell herself that even though he quacked like and acted like a duck he must be a swan. She would no longer assume anything. Instead, with a clear and present heart, she will be watching out for the moment when the potential object of her affections walks, talks and consistently acts like the sturdy, steady, clear and present duck she wants. And she no longer desires a fixer-upper duck that she can turn into a swan.
In the meantime, she’s enjoying a fun-filled dating life, and she’s once again happy at work – tapping on anything that gets in the way of her peaceful, abundant enjoyment of life.
Originally submitted as a letter to Gary Craig’s Official EFT site, I included my personal note of gratitude to him:
Who knew when you set out to help veterans, Gary that you’d also be providing the tools to heal wounded veterans of the painful conflicts single people everywhere experience in seeking to find their true love! From us all, we thank you for giving us back our whole and happy hearts, which of course is the only place from which we can ever hope to create a truly loving, respectful and mutually beneficial relationship.
This article was published on Gary Craig’s original EFT web site featuring this lovely introduction:
“Expert EFT Practitioner Cathleen Campbell offers pointers on using EFT to address issues that emerge in seeking true love. Among her clients, she has encountered certain beliefs they hold in common that are actually preventing happy and successful partnerships.”